A year ago i phoned to book an appointment for my regular checkup and was told that my Iranian God had left, but Dr Sausage Fingers had taken over and would be seeing me. I wasnt pleased but thought hey, maybe its time to move on. So with trepidation, i went and let him check out my equipment. Fumbling hands and giant fucking sausage fingers did raise alarm bells in my head at the time. Fast forward to today.  I had an appointment for a chipped tooth (thank you Kelloggs Crunchy Nut) and a filling he thought i needed.

So we engage in a dance of 'the small talk'. Me knowing i dont like Dr Sausage Fingers and him knowing i'm a difficult moo. He sits me down and tells me open wide. I do as instructed. He tells me i should open my mouth further...the asshole.  I cannot help my genetics, i cannot help the way my jaw is fixed to my skull. My mouth resembles a gaping cavern and is as open as its ever gonna get Mr.

He poked his sausge finger into my mouth and injected me twice. There was no tenderness, or softness -he just stuck it right in. Ok so it hurt, but that i could handle.  I sat in the waiting room, 'waiting' (does what it says on the tin) for it to kick in. Hmmm...my mouth isnt feeling numb at all. I get called back in. I emplore Dr Sausage Fingers to refrain from abusing my mouth for the moment as i can feel everything. I take this opportunity to reminise in the ways of the Iranian and share tells of wonderous times to Dr Suasage Fingers. He decided to give me a few more injections. This time the whole outter right side of my cheek is numb but the inside is feeling pretty normal. I aint a happy bunny  So starts the drum of the dentists drill and in he goes. A few seconds in all is well...few more seconds and he really feckin hurt me. He tells me i shouldnt be feeling any pain in  a patronising tone. He then gives me a 5minute lecture on how its all connected on one nerve so i shouldnt be feeling pain and that its all in my head. Err excuse me?  That pain was fucking real asshole   I pull myself together and give myself a talking to about behaving like a grown up and not a 5 year old kid. 'Proceed' i declared. And off he dived into my mouth once more.

Ok that really bloody fucking hurt now. The child within is unleashed and i began to cry (god im so embarrassed). I popped to the loo to gain some composure, deep breaths and fresh air.